Hi

In case you were wondering, I'm still here. I've just been in the middle of a little nervous breakdown so I haven't felt much like writing. 

I Googled "nervous breakdown" a few weeks ago because I wanted to see if that's what's happening to me. Sure enough, it is. Even though it isn't an officially recognized medical problem, a nervous breakdown is where basically you feel like you just can't take anymore. 

Of anything. 

Hello. 

That's me. 

You don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere, and the littlest, seemingly harmless things can just push you over the edge. I've been feeling like I'm at the end of my rope, and the rope is unravelling and I'm hanging onto the very last threads of it with my fingernails. That's what I've been going through these last few months. I've sort of been falling apart.

So I just wanted to let you, my vast blog-reading audience, know that that's where I've been, and hopefully I'll feel like writing more often soon. I just need some time to put myself back together. 

I'm getting there.

Thanks for reading.

I never thought

I just had another birthday. I think I've mentioned how it's kind of like New Year's for me. More so than the actual holiday. It's like a new beginning. A time of reflection and renewal.

This year has been one of the most emotional years I think I've ever had. So many horribly awful things have happened, with a couple of amazingly wonderful things mixed in...

I never thought that death could ever come so close into my little world as it has. I never thought I could be so sad over losing a pet. I never thought that death would turn my whole world upside down by taking my Grandpa. I never thought depression could be *this* bad. I never thought I could be so afraid of what the future holds. I never thought that I'd get to interview Rob Rowe from Cause and Effect. I never thought that I'd ever get to see him play live again. I never thought that I'd ever get to meet him. I never thought I would have a nervous breakdown. I never thought that I'd make it to this birthday.

All in all, I'm glad to say good riddance to 38. Hello 39. You are going to be a year of living it up. I'm hoping it will be a year of living like I've never lived before. I really want to try. This might be my last chance. Because next year I will be old. :)

Treasures

Husband and I are getting ready to have a yard sale. We are trying to go through the whole house and find anything and everything we can get rid of. We have 14 years of accumulated stuff together. Or maybe I should say *I* have 14 years of accumulated stuff. Most of it is mine. I'm not a hoarder, let me make that clear. I just love to shop and I have a hard time letting go of things. I'm much better than I used to be with the shopping. I hardly buy anything anymore. But I get too sentimental with things. Things have associations that go with them. Memories. Feelings. So this has been pretty hard for me. I've had a few meltdowns over the stupidest things. I've also had a couple of meltdowns with good reason.

Today we were going through some boxes that we had never unpacked when we moved into our house. Four years ago. I saw something in one of those boxes and just started bawling. It was something that my Grandpa had made. He died 4 months ago. I thought I was over it. I mean, I guess you never get over something like that, but I thought I was okay. I guess not. I miss him so much. More than I thought. I'm not sure how to get through this. Things we see can bring back memories of fun times we had and loved ones we've lost. Memories I'll treasure forever.

I found more treasures today. Inside one of the boxes was a folder that I had been looking for for several years. I had even gone back to my parents house and dug around in my room for it without any luck. And there it was today. Inside a forgotten box in the corner. 

This folder contains my very first correspondences with Rob from Cause and Effect, as well as some other stuff that belongs in my C&E collection. These things mean so much to me. I knew I had them somewhere. It was driving me crazy trying to figure out where they were. There are emails from Rob from 1996, copies of articles about Cause and Effect that I got from a record rep, and things from the fun part of my radio career. So many good memories. It was so fun going through the folder and being like "oh, there it is! I remember that!" I cried again, but this time it was happy crying. I'm so glad I found that folder.

Things and the associations we have with them are powerful. They can take you back to times you want to remember forever, or they can take you to places you never want to go back to again. They can dig up all sorts of memories and feelings.

I wonder what treasures I'll find tomorrow...

Album review: Whitewaits "An Elegant Exit"

I feel like after all the raving I’ve been doing lately about Rob Rowe and his new album, it would only be fair for me to give it a proper review. Now, I'm not a music reviewer, not a writer, and not enough of a music nerd to be able to talk too intelligently about all the little details, but I definitely know great music when I hear it. And I’m really not biased at all, even though I am probably Rob’s biggest fan. If this wasn’t a great album, if I didn’t absolutely LOVE it, I wouldn’t even take the time to write a review. But it’s definitely worth my time to tell you about it. And it’s definitely worth your time to listen to it. Besides, the album is only 33 minutes long. We can all spare that much time to enjoy some great music, can’t we?

So here is my review of WHITEWAITS “An Elegant Exit”
 

“An Elegant Exit” takes you on a musical journey. It evokes a wide range of emotions. After I finished listening to the album the first time, my first thought was “Wow!” And I was crying. I've never had that kind of a strong emotional reaction to an album before. You can tell that Rob really poured his heart and soul into making this album. It’s deeply personal and full of raw emotion. You can hear it in his voice. You can feel it in your soul.

I've always been a big lyrics person. That's what I focus on first whenever I hear a new song. Rob's lyrics have always touched my soul. I’ve always found comfort in them. I've said this before, that his lyrics have a way of putting my feelings into words when I just can't do it. This album is no different. The lyrics are meaningful, thoughtful, and sometimes heart wrenching. They’re so descriptive and powerful. They're about something. So many of his lyrics have a wisdom to them that can only come from experience - from someone who has been there.

I absolutely love Rob’s voice and it is just incredible on this album. Not that it’s not incredible on his other albums, but I think he sounds better than ever on this one. His voice is very rich and full. The vocals are clean and clear and not over-processed. And they stand out perfectly against the music. They’re not buried under the mix like I hear so often with other music. Excellent production and mixing.

The music itself plays such an important part in evoking all those emotions I was talking about earlier. Rob’s melodies are always so perfect. They stick in your head. In a good way. Not in that annoying way when you get a song stuck in your head and it drives you nuts. It always amazes me how one person can write so many songs, yet each one is so different. There are so many layers of sound with so many different textures. It’s the perfect mix of acoustic and electric guitar and Rob’s assortment of analog synths. There are all sorts of really cool sounds to keep your ears busy. I really appreciate that attention to detail. Maybe it comes from my background in audio production, but I just love extra little touches like that. And as always, it's much better when listened to with good quality headphones.

You really need to listen to the whole album straight through in order to get the feel of it. It takes you on a journey. It tells a story. I can't quite put what it is into words, but if you listen to it and really try to feel it, you'll get it. Listen with your soul. You'll feel it.

If I had to list the songs in order of favorites, I don't think I could. They are all equally great. I tried to arrange them in some kind of order from favorite to least favorite, but I just couldn't do it. And really, there is no such thing as "least favorite" when it comes to any of Rob's music. They are all favorites. There's something different that I love about each song.

Island is a great way to start off the album, and it’s also the first single. If you read my interview with Rob, you know that it was inspired by a trip he took to Iceland. Knowing this, you can totally see it when you listen to the song. There are supposed to be remixes coming soon. I can’t wait to hear them!

I love Hope Is The Hardest. Even though I was pretty disappointed by the bad language, (2 little f-bombs) it is still a great song. The last line is one of those that just gets to me; makes me cry. "You're not alone so hang on to hope my dear." That was just what I needed to hear the first time I heard it. And this track features some excellent drum programming.

Always is the sweetest, most beautiful song I’ve heard in a long time. It just might be pushing “Alone” out of its almost 20 year position as my all-time favorite song. If this had been around 14 years ago, it probably would have been our wedding song. “…please be with me always, especially on dark days when I might lose my mind.” Gorgeous.

Blackbird Spies - I absolutely adore this song. It became one of my favorites the second I heard it. I love the melody. It just makes me smile. And Rob sounds extra amazing on this one.

The Way Back is probably one of the catchiest songs I've heard in a long time. It’s energetic and upbeat. The lyrics are great. The vocals are great. It makes me want to dance around the house like a dork. It seems to me that it would be very radio-friendly. If I was programming a radio station, I’d play it. (Although, duh, you know I’d play all of them!)

Two of the most upbeat songs on the album lead into what is probably one of the saddest, most heartbreaking songs I've ever heard, Ventolin. If you know Rob's story, you will understand what this song is about. The last line, "You killed me too," produces chills and tears every time I hear it.

Down - The vocals on this one are amazing. There's so much going on. Lots of different layers. I love listening to it loud! It’s about breaking it all down and starting over. “Let go, embrace the beginning again...”

Lost Boys is a little sad at first, but leaves you feeling hopeful at the end. It’s the perfect way to end a perfect album. “I once had the thought I was lost, but I lost it somehow.”

My only complaint about this album is that it's just not long enough. It’s only 33 minutes. It's over too fast. It always leaves me wanting more at the end. I usually listen to it 2 or 3 times in a row just to feel like I’m getting enough. But hey, if that’s my only complaint, it must be pretty good, right?

“An Elegant Exit” has already made an elegant entrance into my heart. It became a favorite the first time I listened to it. Rob Rowe has proven again that he is truly a gifted and talented musician. There’s something really special about his music. I hope this review helps people to realize that.

Thanks for reading. Now go buy the album! (whitewaits.bandcamp.com)

"An Elegant Exit"

Check this out! You can pre-order the new WHITEWAITS album, "An Elegant Exit" now. It will be officially released on August 13th on CD and Digital. If you order it now, you'll get a code to download three songs.

I was able to download my copy of the full album today because I contributed to Rob's Kickstarter campaign. He sent out a download code this morning. I've already listened to the album 4 or 5 times.

Let me tell you

IT'S AMAZING!!!

I know I use the word "amazing" to describe just about everything that Rob has ever done, but there is not a better, more perfect word. That I know of anyway. Maybe I should invest in a thesaurus. Anyway, it is a really good album. I find it a little too short for my taste (33 minutes) but it's a 33 minutes well spent. The first time I listened to it, I was bawling afterward. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. It's *that* good. I'll give a more proper review later, but for now, I want you, my vast audience, to get on your computers and order this album. It's priced very reasonably and worth every penny (or whatever kind of money you have where you live.)

whitewaits.bandcamp.com

Dream come true

I finally feel like I have some of my thought processes back after last Saturday night. I was so overjoyed that I seriously could not come up with the words to express myself.

Saturday afternoon, we (Husband and I) went for a drive to explore Hollywood and to see where the party was, find places we could park, etc. We had quite the adventure getting there, but that will be in another post. We found where we needed to go and a few options for parking.

All day long, I was experiencing every possible emotion I could think of. Happy, excited, nervous, joyful, scared, even terrified. Those more negative emotions come from my deep sense of insecurity about myself. I'm so shy around people, I'm way too self-conscious about how I look, I'm incredibly socially awkward until I'm comfortable being around the people I have to be around. I'm just a big dork. But at least I know it and acknowledge it, right? And the good, positive emotions are pretty much self explanatory, aren't they? Duh! I was going to finally get to meet Rob!!!

When it was time to leave the hotel, we headed out on our planned route, but had to make some changes due to traffic problems. Again, more on that later. It's a story in itself. I was freaking out because we didn't know where we were, it was getting dark, and I was absolutely terrified that we would be late and miss the whole thing. I was praying the whole time we were driving that we wouldn't get lost and that we would get there on time and not miss anything. I was so scared I was crying. This meant so much to me and to maybe miss out on it just because of some stupid traffic was more than I could bear.

Thankfully, we found our way out of the traffic mess and got to where we needed to be. We found a parking lot that cost $10 to park, which normally I wouldn't have done, but I'm going to see Rob. I don't care how much the stupid parking costs! The parking was on Hollywood Blvd. near Vine. The party was at Hemingway's Lounge which was a couple of blocks away. I did a lot of things I wouldn't have normally done that night. Like walk down Hollywood Blvd. at night. I wasn't even scared. It actually seemed pretty safe. And I was going to see Rob!!! Nothing could have stopped me! :)

We got to Hemingway's and there weren't any people outside. It was 8:45. The party started at 9:00. Everything I had seen advertising the party said to get there early because space was limited. I was wondering if everyone was already inside? Was it already full and we couldn't go in? There were a couple of guys standing near a door, so I asked them. One guy said Hemingway's didn't open until 9:00, so to just wait a few minutes. Which meant.... WE WERE FIRST!!! Holy cow! I couldn't believe it. After all of the problems we had getting there, we were first? Wow!

We stood there outside Hemingway's, looking at all the people milling about, when I heard something that just made my heart melt. It was Rob. He was inside rehearsing. I could hear him! He was right there on the other side of that wall! I lost it. I was so happy I started to cry. He was right there. So close. The excitement really hit me hard then. This was real. This wasn't a dream. This was going to happen. This thing that I have wanted for most of my life was finally going to happen. In just a few minutes, I was going to get to see Rob perform and then meet him.

A few other people had lined up behind us by then. It was 9:00. The door guy came out and was joking with us about how we were at the wrong place. He was pretty funny. He looked really scary - leather, studs, piercings, handcuffs. He looked like Hulk Hogan. But he was hilarious and really nice. He undid the velvet rope (yes, there was a velvet rope - this is Hollywood, remember) and finally let us in.

We walked into Hemingway's. I wasn't totally sure where to go, but I opened a door and went in. The room was really small. There were a few people already inside. Probably people that worked there or something. And. Then.

I.

Saw.

ROB!!!

He was right there talking to some people! Rob and I were in the same room! He was right there! I could not believe it. I thought he'd be hiding away somewhere until it was time for his set, but he was right there! We stood nearby, so I could talk to him when he was done talking to these other people. We looked around at the decor, trying to act casual. It's a really cool place. Not very big. Like a big living room. It was full of cement bookshelves with books on them that were glued in place. One wall had a bunch of old typewriters hanging on it. There were just a few places to sit. Some sofas, tables, etc. Very intimate.

Enough about the decor.

I could see that Rob was finished talking to those people and...

Heading

Towards

Us!

He came up to me and said, "Hi." He reached out his hand, I shook it, and he pulled me in for a hug. I introduced myself to him, and he said, "I know who you are." No way! He recognized me? That was so totally cool!!! I could not believe it. Rob knew who I was! Wow! I introduced him to Husband, and we stood there and talked for a few minutes. We were talking to Rob! I know I might seem way too excited here, but remember, I have wanted to meet him since the first time I laid eyes on him 20+ years ago. I think you'd feel the same way if it happened to you.

He asked us how our trip was, and how long it took to get to LA. He was thrilled that we would come all that way just to see him. We talked a little and then it was time for him to get ready to do his set. His guitar and mic were set up already and there was an empty seat directly in front of where he would be! Guess who plopped her bum there? That's right. Your's truly. Husband squoze in next to me. We were right there in the front, in the seats closest to Rob! Things could not have gone better!

He was AMAZING! As usual. If you've heard me rave about how great he is live, sorry, but I'm going to do it again. Rob sounds absolutely incredible live. Perfect. I've never seen anyone - including some bigger, more well-known artists - that sound as good as Rob does live. His voice is just beautiful. And it was an acoustic set, which meant just his voice and his guitar. It could not have been more perfect. Sitting there with Rob singing probably less than 10 feet in front of me, I felt like I was the only one there. Like it was all for me. Everyone else just disappeared. Words cannot describe what I was feeling. It was an absolutely amazing experience.

He did "Sleep," "Alone," "Hope is the Hardest," "The Way Back," "Island," "She Said," and "It's Over Now." I had my iPod and Husband had the video camera. I managed to take 2 videos before I got the "20% of battery remaining" warning on my iPod. Ugh! I think in all the excitement, I forgot to charge it! Stupid girl! Husband got the whole set on the video camera though. The only thing is, it was really dark. They did not have good lighting. You'd think they would have some sort of light on Rob while he was singing, but no. So my video didn't turn out very good, but at least I have the audio.

His set was about 30 minutes. Did I mention that it was amazing? :) Seriously people, if you ever get the opportunity to see Rob Rowe perform live, do it. It doesn't matter if it's with Cause and Effect or WHITEWAITS, he will amaze you. You will not be disappointed, except when it's all over.

Back to the party...We mingled for a bit (with each other.) I kept looking around for Rob to see if we could maybe talk some more and get some pictures. I caught a few glimpses of him with other people, but then he would disappear again. It was even darker inside now, so it was harder to spot him. Finally I saw him and he was heading our way. I waved to get his attention and asked if we could take a few pictures. He came over and we talked while I was digging in my giant purse trying to find the camera. I felt like such a dork. The music in the club was really loud by now and we had to scream at each other. I found the camera and Husband took a couple pictures of us. Rob wanted to see them to make sure he looked alright. Husband couldn't see the camera screen, so he just pointed it in our direction and hoped for the best. They turned out really good! I now have 2 photos of myself with Rob. I, of course, look like a fat cow, but Rob is adorable. :)

Much to our surprise, Rob stayed with us and talked for awhile! I could not believe it. I felt so dumb because I couldn't think of anything to say to him. I'm sure he thought I was a dork. Husband kept the conversation going to the best of his ability. Neither one of us is all that good at being conversational. I had thought of so many things I wanted to talk to Rob about, but could I remember them when he was right there in front of me? No. My brain just shut off. He was so close to me, and the fact that the music was so loud that we couldn't hear each other made us have to get closer. I was yelling in his ear so he could hear me. I could not believe that he was that close and he was talking to us! This had to be a dream.

I could tell that things were starting to get to that awkward place where no one can think of anything else to talk about. All I could do was stare at Rob and say, "I can't believe this is real." What a dork. Rob said he was going to go over and talk to some people, but to be sure to find him before we left so we could say goodbye. Wow! I was just over the moon.

Husband and I mingled with each other some more. It was fun just to look at all the people and make fun of how ridiculous they were. We decided that we should probably head out, so we started looking for Rob again. We found him and told him we were going to go. He said that he'd had about enough and was going to leave pretty soon too. He thanked us again for coming all that way, we hugged again, and then we left.

Did that really just happen? Did we really go to a party in Hollywood? Did I finally get to meet Rob Rowe after all these years? Did he hang around and talk to us? Wow! I was just speechless. It didn't seem real. The whole night still felt like a dream. One that I never wanted to wake up from.

But it was real. It happened. I still can't believe it. Good things like that just don't happen to me. I thought getting the opportunity to interview Rob was probably going to be the highlight of my existence. I never imagined that I would get to meet him, too. And he was so nice. He's such a sweet guy. Just absolutely adorable in every way. It was an honor and a privilege to meet him and talk to him. I hope I get to see him again.

Here it is. My photo of me and Rob! Heck with anonymity. That's me. If you recognise me, yay for you.

Speechless

Saturday night seriously left me speechless. Rob was amazing! He hugged me! We got to talk for a little while! It still feels like a dream and I don't think I want to ever wake up. 

Give me a little while to gather my thoughts and put them together into some form of coherent sentences, and I will tell you everything. I am so overwhelmed by how absolutely wonderful everything was, I am at a loss for words.

Until then, a little teaser. A photo I took on my iPod. It was really dark, so it didn't turn out great. But he was right there. Right in front of me!!!

More coming soon...

20 years, 9 months, and 17 days

Have you ever wanted something for a really long time? Have you ever gotten it? I've wanted something for 20 years, 9 months, and 17 days. Yes, I realize that's incredibly nerdy of me to figure out how long it's been, but I think it adds some perspective as to how badly I've wanted this and how long I've waited. Those numbers? They're more than half my life. That's how long I've wanted this.

So...wanna know what it is that I've wanted for so long?

Those numbers correspond to September 26, 1992. What's so special about that date, you ask? That was the first time I saw Cause and Effect. That was when my little not-so-secret-anymore crush on Rob Rowe started. The first time I realized that I just *had* to meet him. 

Things have changed a lot since then. Technology has made some amazing things possible. Rob and I have become friends on Facebook, and if you haven't noticed yet, he let me interview him for my little blog here!!! I never imagined that could ever happen! I'm still reeling with excitement from that one. Back in 1992, the only hope I had of getting anywhere near him was if by some chance C&E visited the radio station I worked at. And that never happened. Things have come a long way in 20 years, 9 months, and 17 days. And yes, that little crush is still kind of there. And yes, I still want to meet Rob.

If you read my interview with Rob thoroughly, you saw that he's doing an acoustic set at a book release party in Hollywood tonight. 

Guess where I am???

I'm writing this from a hotel room at an undisclosed location in the LA area!!! Husband and I are going to go to that party!!! I think it's kind of funny that Husband is taking me to meet the guy I've had a crush on for 20+ years. :) That's how sweet he is. That's how lucky I am. We usually go on some sort of getaway around our anniversary. This event coincided perfectly with Husband's vacation time. So with only a few days to plan, we rented a car, booked a hotel, and now we're here. We're not spontaneous like that. Ever.

So here I am, about to have a lifelong dream fulfilled, and what? I'm really scared. Not just nervous, scared. I should be excited. I am. Just excited mixed with lots of fear. Social situations are super awkward for us when we know people that are there. We're not going to know anybody at this party. Except Rob, but technically, I don't think it counts if you haven't actually met the person. I don't think I need to be afraid of Rob. He's probably pretty nervous himself. And he's been nothing but wonderful to me in all of our correspondence the last couple of years. 

One thing I'm really worried about is how I'll look. I'm overly self-conscious. I have no self-esteem. Make that negative amounts of self-esteem. I'm fat. I don't look like my Facebook profile photo because of the strategic angle it was taken in order to minimize my chins. This party is in Hollywood. People in Hollywood aren't fat. If they are, they get it sucked out and added to their lips. 

I'm so embarrassed by how I look that I've even considered not even going to the party. That's right. Totally give up on what might be my only opportunity to see my lifelong dream come true just because I don't like how I look. That's really sad isn't it? Rob isn't going to judge me, is he? I can't think that he would. But I can't get past how I judge myself. I don't know how to look in the mirror and like what I see. I've been crying so much over what should probably be the happiest occasion in my life other than my wedding. Why can't I just accept myself the way that I am? That's what my blog is all about. Being who I am - the real me. But it's hard to let her out when she doesn't feel good about herself. 

Thankfully, my desire to meet Rob is still stronger than my lack of self-confidence. And I have Xanax. I hope I can do this. Wish me luck.

I'll let you know how it all goes down. Stay tuned...

Here it is...

If you haven't already noticed the new tab at the top of the page, you might want to look. There you will find my interview with Rob Rowe!!! Please click on the tab and read it. Rob did a great job. I got to let my inner journalist out. It was fun. I still can't believe that he did this for me. I still feel like I'm dreaming. If I am, I hope I don't wake up.

Enjoy!

This is huge!

Okay, so remember last week I told you that I had some exciting news? Well here it is:

First a little back story...

Some time last year, after I started my little blog, I had an idea. It was one of those ideas that came to me in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. Like in that half awake, almost dreaming, not quite reality state. It was a far-fetched, crazy little idea. After thinking about it, it kept me awake at night with this delusional kind of hope, like what if it could really happen? I was excited yet disappointed all at the same time. I never thought it could happen, I never thought I would even bring it up to anybody. I wished it could happen. It would be just about the coolest thing ever. But it was so unrealistic, so out there, that I just dismissed it after a while. It made me sad to realize that in all reality, there was no way it could ever really happen.

What was my idea, you ask? I thought that it would be really cool if I could interview Rob from Cause and Effect for my blog. See, I told you. Way out there, crazy idea.

I have always wanted to meet Rob. I would love to be able to sit down and talk with him. Although if the opportunity ever presented itself, I would probably be too nervous and intimidated in his presence to even form a coherent sentence, let alone interview him. I envision us sitting there staring at each other in awkward silence...

Anyway, lately this idea has been gnawing at me again. I've been friends with Rob on Facebook for awhile now, and he responds to my silly little messages. With his new album coming out soon, the timing would be perfect for him to promote it. What if I got up the nerve and asked him for an interview?

No. That's ridiculous. He'd never do it. I'm insane for even thinking of that. Why even bother?

But the idea kept coming to my mind. I kept dismissing it.

Yeah right. Like that's ever going to happen.

Last week I was feeling a little bolder than usual. I thought I would try to get up the courage and ask him, risking feeling incredibly stupid if he said no. I put together a little "sales pitch" and sent it to him.

And you know what?


He said yes!


What? Am I dreaming? He said yes? I could not believe it! Rob said yes! He is going to let me interview him! We are working out the details right now, but soon I will be able to post my interview with Rob. My interview with Rob! I still can't believe this is really happening!

There are not words to express how excited I am. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now.

Stay tuned...

Island ***update***

I just got permission to share this great new track with you!

Click here to listen to "Island" from the upcoming WHITEWAITS album, "An Elegant Exit."

Island

Yesterday Rob provided a link to the first single off his new album for people who backed his Kickstarter campaign. It's called "Island" and it's great. I would share it with you, but I don't think I'm supposed to yet. You'll just have to take my word for it for now. I don't know how he manages to make everything he does so amazing. You listen to a song and you can see it. He has this way of painting pictures with his lyrics. I don't ever get that from other people's music. But with Rob's music I can not only hear it, but see and feel it as well. I think that takes truly amazing talent to be able to do that.

Excitement beyond belief

Something very exciting will be happening soon all because I got up the courage to ask someone something. It's something that I had put off inquiring about for a long time. I had an idea, but I kept talking myself out of it, thinking that it was kind of ridiculous, thinking there was no way it could ever happen. But a little something inside has been nagging at me lately. One of those little feelings you get when you know you need to do something. So I got up the courage and did it. I expected nothing but rejection and feeling really dumb for even doing it. But it turned out just the opposite. And the result is going to be probably the most exciting thing I've ever done.

This is something that involves my little blog here, so stay tuned... :)

Something new

So here's something good that I'm very excited about. Yay! A happy post for a change. I know. I've been pretty depressing lately. Sorry for that.

Anyway...Rob from Cause and Effect has been working on a solo project and has a new album coming out soon! I cannot wait! The album is called "An Elegant Exit" and will be released under the name WHITEWAITS. He's started a Kickstarter campaign to raise some money to help him do some extra things with the release (remixes, videos, tour, etc.) Watch his video below. Pledge some money. Help him out. Pass this on. I can guarantee you will not be disappointed. The album is going to be amazing!

Normal?

What exactly is normal anyway? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, hoping that my life will soon return to "normal." So many things have happened lately to turn my life upside down, I wonder if anything will ever be normal again. I don't even want to get into all the details of what's happened - it's too depressing. It seems like this whole year has just been one bad thing after another, without enough time to recover from the previous bad thing before the next bad thing happens. I'm just hoping that things will settle down, that the things that happen from here on out won't be so bad. I feel like I'm picking up the pieces of what's left of my crumbling life. It seems like whenever I start to think that everything is going to be okay again, something else happens to make me realize that things will probably never really be okay. And it seems like the bad things that are happening just keep getting worse and worse. I'm scared. It's like I live in constant fear of what the next bad thing will be. Is that normal? I don't think so, but it's becoming my normal. That isn't good.

Some things are starting to happen to make me think that things are starting to get better. I actually have a few really good, exciting things to look forward to (more on that later.) But it seems like whenever I look forward to something, I'm only met with disappointment. So I have to keep reminding myself not to get too excited about things. That's pretty sad, isn't it? And definitely not normal.

So what can I do? How can I not live in fear all the time? How can I let myself get excited about things without expecting disappointment? I don't know how to do that. That's not normal either.

So what is normal? I'll let you know when I find out.

Grout doubt

Yes, the bathroom remodel is still going on. I know you were all wondering about that. All, what, 2 of you that read my blog. 

Part of what's taking so long is that Handyman only comes over to work on it when he feels like it or I remind him. The other part is all my fault. I just haven't felt like dealing with it. Depression can do that. I want to get it done, but I don't feel like doing what it takes to get it done. And frankly I'm pretty nervous about doing what needs to be done.

From the beginning I've said that I will do the tile around the tub, and the floor tile, by myself. Peel and stick floor tile can't be all that hard, and I've seen wall tile put up on TV shows. It always seemed like fun to try. But now when it comes down to actually doing it I'm scared to death!

What if I do it wrong? What if I get started and realize that I'm in way too deep and can't finish it? What if 3 months from now the tiles start falling off? All these things (dumb as they are) are keeping me from just plowing in and getting it done. Ugh! I know that if I just start doing it, it will be okay. Handyman said that he can always help me if I need it, my mom is willing to help me, there are bazillions of videos on YouTube that show how to do it. I just need the courage to actually do something. Then I will have a lovely new bathroom. Yay!

But where do I get courage from? I'm not sure. The desire to have the bathroom done is almost stronger than my need for courage. I just need to feel like I can do it. I haven't felt very good for quite awhile, but I'm starting to feel a little better, so maybe I'll be able to start on it soon. Maybe this weekend even...

Wish me luck.

In my dreams

Dreams are weird. Some people think they have some sort of meaning. A peek into the depths of our subconscious. Others say they are just dreams and nothing more. But whatever the opinions are, I think we can all agree that dreams can be pretty weird.

I have really weird dreams almost every night. They actually take place fairly early in the morning. They are an unpleasant side effect of the antidepressant that I take. I did a little research and found that most antidepressants can cause vivid dreams and/or nightmares. Great. Just what people with depression need, right? And I have really bad anxiety on top of that, so that's extra helpful, isn't it? :)

This hasn't bothered me too much until recently. A lot of the time the dreams are so strange, they're funny. But lately they have become more vivid and a lot more violent. Really scary things. I'll wake up from them and just have this creepy feeling for the rest of the day. Sometimes I'll even wake up crying.

Last week some of my dreams set off a string of feelings, thoughts, moods, and emotions that I had a really hard time dealing with. The first one started out at my parent's house. I was heading out to the back yard, but my mom said that I shouldn't go out there because there had been three stabbings in the alley behind the house. I closed the door and the house had changed from my parent's to mine. I looked out the window and saw our chicken coop and chickens in the yard and a puddle coming from under the fence. I realized that it was blood and that the stabbings had taken place behind our house. I woke up but I thought it had really happened. I was really scared. I laid in bed for awhile telling myself that it was just a dream but I couldn't shake the feeling I had. I was scared to go outside for a good portion of the morning. I finally realized that it wasn't real and not very likely to actually happen, but it took a long time to get over it.

This really got me thinking about how these dreams are related to my medication. I started to think back to how I felt before I went on it. I didn't want to take anything. I felt like it was so wrong. But I gave in and suffered through some awful side effects just getting used to it. I felt so bad putting myself through all that, even though I ended up feeling a little better. But at what cost?

The next night, I had an even scarier dream. I'm not sure where it was, but there was this big dog wandering around outside. It ran up to this guy and starting attacking him. I ran over to try to help. (I'm ashamed to admit this, but I probably wouldn't have done that in real life. I'm terrified of dogs and I do my best to avoid them.) Anyway, in the dream I was trying to get the dog off this poor guy, but every time I tried to push it away it was always just out of reach. No matter how close I got to it, I couldn't touch it. I went to try to get help, but everyone I asked refused to help me. I went back to try to help the guy again, but he and the dog were gone. There was blood all over the ground, but the guy and the dog weren't there. I just stood there staring at the blood and screaming. Where did they go? Did the dog eat him? Did he manage to get away on his own? Was he okay? I woke up crying.

Those are the worst, most violent dreams I've had that I can remember. I know there have been others, but thankfully I have forgotten them. But I have memories of waking up trying to scream and not being able to. And lots of days going around with this creepy unsettled feeling, like something bad is about to happen at any time.

I also have dreams where I'm back working at the job I hated so much. Not nearly as scary, but disturbing nonetheless. It's been 4 years since I was there, and in the dreams they're so glad I'm back, like I was just gone for an extended period of time. Ugh! These are just really annoying.

It's the really scary ones that worry me though. Where are they coming from? This isn't me. The violence and the blood. I'm terrified of those things. I don't beat people up, but I do in my dreams. What is my brain trying to tell me? Is it just magnifying everything that I'm not? Every fear that I have? Everything that I hate? I don't know, but it scares me to death. And I usually have a hard enough time falling asleep anyway. Now I'm almost scared to because of these dreams.

What is wrong with me? I don't know what to do...

Inside out

I feel like my entire life has been turned inside out, upside down, and backwards. Torn apart. It seems like everything is changing all at once.

About three weeks ago our bathroom remodel started. The stuff that was in that bathroom had to be put somewhere. There's not a "somewhere" to put it, so it's strewn all over the house. Baskets and bins of bathroom stuff everywhere. I did manage to go through it and get rid of a bunch of stuff, but it's still taking up a lot of space and is in the way. We also had the new bathroom sink delivered and it is currently residing on the living room floor. The house smells like plaster dust and Liquid Nails. I've been buying cabinets, tile, paint, faucets, and other bathroom parts. I get to paint the bathroom, put the tile around the tub, and tile the floor. I'm actually kind of excited about doing these things, but so overwhelmed by the thought of doing them. I have to start painting tomorrow.

At the same time the bathroom remodel started a few weeks ago, I noticed that one of our chickens, Sophie, was acting sluggish. This went on for a couple of days, until one day I noticed she was on the floor of the coop unable to stand up. This broke my heart. I picked her up and held her and petted her while bawling my eyes out. I just kind of had this feeling that she wasn't going to make it. I put her in a box with some food and water, and brought her into the house. She just laid there with her eyes closed. I could see that she was still breathing, so she wasn't gone yet. I looked on the Internet for ideas of things to try to help her. I found a few ideas, so I went out for a while to get some things I needed. When Husband got home from work we tried some of the things I had found. Nothing seemed to work. We held Sophie for a while and decided the best thing to do was to bring her back inside and keep her comfortable. As we were getting things ready, we noticed she was moving around a bit. She kind of shuddered and jerked around for a couple seconds. Then she was gone. I was inconsolable. I hadn't lost a pet before that had meant so much to me. I had a parakeet when I was little. He was terrified of me. And when he died, my parents got the body and buried it before I could see it. With Sophie, I saw her die. I've never seen anyone or anything die in front of me. She was a beautiful chicken. She had gorgeous black and white feathers, and laid beautiful eggs. And to see her lifeless body there in front of me was just more than I could handle. Husband was so sweet through this whole ordeal. He found a box to put her in and dug a hole in the back yard. We had a little chicken funeral and buried her. I cried for days afterward.

Henrietta, our other chicken, was clearly upset at the loss of her friend. So two weeks ago we went to the feed store and bought two new chickens. One is a white leghorn we named Phyllis, and the other is a brown Ameraucana we call Gertrude. We were supposed to keep them quarantined for a week before putting them in with Henrietta. We bought a dog cage to keep them in and put them outside the chicken run where Henrietta could see and "talk" to them. After the week was up, we put them in the run. This was last Saturday. Everything seemed fine when they were separate, but when we put them together....turmoil in the chicken coop! Henrietta has been pecking and pulling feathers out of Gertrude! Phyllis is just plain scared of everything and everyone. We like to let them out into the yard once in a while, but the new girls won't come back to the coop when it's time to "go home". We've been chasing chickens all over the yard! And now Gertrude just stays up on the roost inside the coop all day and won't come down.

Then, to make things even worse, I got asked to help out with the teenage girls at church. I think I'm supposed to kind of mentor them and be a friend to them if they need someone to talk to. I haven't found out exactly what I'm supposed to do yet. This scares the crap out of me!!! I don't know how to help teenage girls! I need help myself! And they want me to go to their weekly activity every Wednesday night. When I was a teenager I hated going. I was miserable. I was the only girl my age, I was a nerd who didn't have any friends, and the activities they did were always things I hated (volleyball, stupid group games, etc.) I don't want to do this, but we're supposed to help out where we are asked, so I guess I'll give it a try. But this is just more stress, and more stress is the last thing I need right now.

Keep in mind the bathroom remodel is still going on during all of this. I have to get up extra early so I can open the gate for Handyman to get into the yard. I'm soooo stressed out that I can't sleep, my allergies are making me feel like crap, and my depression is trying to come back full force (all of this stuff going on isn't helping any!) My sweet chicken died, my new chickens aren't getting along, my house is torn up. I'm going insane.

So what happened tonight? I find out that Cause and Effect are going to be taking a little break from each other to work on solo projects. I'm really torn on this one. On the one hand, I'm super excited to find out what they're up to and to see what they can do by themselves. On the other hand, they are putting off releasing Artificial Construct Part 3, which means they really might not ever get around to releasing it or getting back together. I was so counting on getting to see them this year and maybe finally getting to meet them (especially Rob!) Now that might never happen. I don't know. I don't have all the details yet, so I shouldn't be too quick to make assumptions. But I know how they are. They like to put things off. Sometimes for years at a time. Nobody's getting any younger here. Maybe everything will be OK. Maybe they will tour individually and I'll still get to meet Rob. It's just that that was one of the few things that was keeping me going. They would release AC3 and go on tour. They were definitely going to play in Phoenix. They might have even been able to come here. My lifelong dream of meeting them would finally come true. And now that's all gone. My last hope of something to look forward to. My heart is broken.

I've learned that I get too excited about things, only to find disappointment. When will I learn? Probably never. I just need things to look forward to to keep myself going, a reason to get out of bed, a reason to not kill myself today. I don't have that right now. I don't know what to do.

Miss you, Sophie <3

Don't get your panties all in a bunch

Today we started remodeling one of our bathrooms. My parents gave us a little money for Christmas, so we are able to do it.

I kind of have mixed feelings about it. I loved the colors in the bathroom (or lack thereof.) It was black and white. The tub walls were tiled in white with a black border, and the countertop was tiled as well. The black tiles had a beautiful iridescent patina on them, since they were about 60 years old. So they will be missed. What won't be missed is the tub. It was old, refinished cast iron. The tub itself was great. It was a nice size, and deep. The problem was that it was peeling. Whoever refinished it didn't do it right, so the paint didn't stick. So I feel bad about getting rid of an otherwise nice tub. But since I couldn't really use it unless I wanted peely tub paint poking my bum, it had to go.

And go it did...

Our handyman friend is doing the really hard stuff for us. He and his friend came this morning to start the demolition. After chiseling the tile from the walls, they started in on the tub. With a sledgehammer. Being cast iron, the tub couldn't just be carried out of the house. So they had to break it into several more manageable pieces. After quite a beating, the poor tub finally gave in and broke in two. Then they broke those pieces in two.

After the remains of the tub were taken out and the mess cleaned up, some discoveries were made. But first, a little back story. Our house was built in the 1950's. The people we bought it from "fixed it up" because it had been trashed by renters that had lived in it previously. "Fixed up" was really just a nice way of saying patching things together so they will last just long enough for the house to pass inspection and us to move in before starting to fall apart. We have noticed so many shortcuts that were taken, and so many odd things that I am no longer surprised when things go wrong. We've also found a lot of strange things...like beer cans in the walls, an air mattress in the attic, probably at least a dollar in pennies in the back yard. I'm not kidding. We joke about how there's probably a car buried in the back yard. Or a body. I honestly wouldn't be surprised. I actually found a car key in the yard...

Which brings me to today's discoveries. In the wall behind the tub. Yes. In the wall behind the tub. First, a toy turtle. Then two combs and a measuring spoon. And then...


Wait for it...


Panties. Yes, you read that right. Panties. Pink lacy panties in the wall behind the tub. Was I surprised? No, not at all. Just one more weird thing we found in our house. How they got there, we'll never know. We probably don't want to know. Maybe they belong to the body that's buried in the back yard. :)

Don't you love how the rays of sunlight frame this glorious find?

New year, new bathroom

Happy New Year everyone. I know it's two weeks late, but I am still suffering from a horrible case of writers block.

The year started out quite eventful. Instead of our usual spending New Years Eve at home watching the ball drop, we chaperoned a teenage dance party. Our church youth group had a NYE party/dance for hundreds of teens with potentially raging hormones. Our job was to keep them from running amok. It was actually quite fun. Husband and I went to events like these when we were growing up, and later in college, and we always had a great time. Mostly I just like to dance and hear great music!

In other news, my parents have given us some money to help us remodel one of our two bathrooms! Yay! We need a new tub like you wouldn't believe! The previous owners had the old cast iron tub refinished. Basically this is painting the tub to hide whatever crap may be underneath. About three baths after we moved in, the tub started peeling! The paint is peeling off. In huge chunks. It's like it wasn't actually even attached to the surface of the tub. Ugh! So we are getting a new tub, new plumbing fixtures, new surround tile, new sink and vanity, and new floor tile. Pretty much gutting everything except the toilet. I am excited beyond words! Our friend/handyman will be doing the work, and he always does a great job. He's pretty much the only person I would trust to do it right. I'll try to post pictures of the progress. He might start as soon as next week!

I've also been feeling super crafty lately. I just haven't had time to justify indulging in my crafty urges. Until today. Well, I made time. I just recently discovered Mod Podge. Apparently it's been around for, like forever. I Mod Podged some scrapbook paper to the light switch cover in the bathroom that will soon be remodeled. Hey, I can't do the big things like replace the tub, but I can make cute little decorative enhancements. It was so fun and super easy to do, and it looks super cute! I'm actually happy!