20 years, 9 months, and 17 days

Have you ever wanted something for a really long time? Have you ever gotten it? I've wanted something for 20 years, 9 months, and 17 days. Yes, I realize that's incredibly nerdy of me to figure out how long it's been, but I think it adds some perspective as to how badly I've wanted this and how long I've waited. Those numbers? They're more than half my life. That's how long I've wanted this.

So...wanna know what it is that I've wanted for so long?

Those numbers correspond to September 26, 1992. What's so special about that date, you ask? That was the first time I saw Cause and Effect. That was when my little not-so-secret-anymore crush on Rob Rowe started. The first time I realized that I just *had* to meet him. 

Things have changed a lot since then. Technology has made some amazing things possible. Rob and I have become friends on Facebook, and if you haven't noticed yet, he let me interview him for my little blog here!!! I never imagined that could ever happen! I'm still reeling with excitement from that one. Back in 1992, the only hope I had of getting anywhere near him was if by some chance C&E visited the radio station I worked at. And that never happened. Things have come a long way in 20 years, 9 months, and 17 days. And yes, that little crush is still kind of there. And yes, I still want to meet Rob.

If you read my interview with Rob thoroughly, you saw that he's doing an acoustic set at a book release party in Hollywood tonight. 

Guess where I am???

I'm writing this from a hotel room at an undisclosed location in the LA area!!! Husband and I are going to go to that party!!! I think it's kind of funny that Husband is taking me to meet the guy I've had a crush on for 20+ years. :) That's how sweet he is. That's how lucky I am. We usually go on some sort of getaway around our anniversary. This event coincided perfectly with Husband's vacation time. So with only a few days to plan, we rented a car, booked a hotel, and now we're here. We're not spontaneous like that. Ever.

So here I am, about to have a lifelong dream fulfilled, and what? I'm really scared. Not just nervous, scared. I should be excited. I am. Just excited mixed with lots of fear. Social situations are super awkward for us when we know people that are there. We're not going to know anybody at this party. Except Rob, but technically, I don't think it counts if you haven't actually met the person. I don't think I need to be afraid of Rob. He's probably pretty nervous himself. And he's been nothing but wonderful to me in all of our correspondence the last couple of years. 

One thing I'm really worried about is how I'll look. I'm overly self-conscious. I have no self-esteem. Make that negative amounts of self-esteem. I'm fat. I don't look like my Facebook profile photo because of the strategic angle it was taken in order to minimize my chins. This party is in Hollywood. People in Hollywood aren't fat. If they are, they get it sucked out and added to their lips. 

I'm so embarrassed by how I look that I've even considered not even going to the party. That's right. Totally give up on what might be my only opportunity to see my lifelong dream come true just because I don't like how I look. That's really sad isn't it? Rob isn't going to judge me, is he? I can't think that he would. But I can't get past how I judge myself. I don't know how to look in the mirror and like what I see. I've been crying so much over what should probably be the happiest occasion in my life other than my wedding. Why can't I just accept myself the way that I am? That's what my blog is all about. Being who I am - the real me. But it's hard to let her out when she doesn't feel good about herself. 

Thankfully, my desire to meet Rob is still stronger than my lack of self-confidence. And I have Xanax. I hope I can do this. Wish me luck.

I'll let you know how it all goes down. Stay tuned...