Sometimes the hole I'm in just seems so deep...

I wrote this a few years ago. This is what depression and anxiety can feel like...

You've fallen into this deep dark hole and you're trying to get out. You climb up a little bit, but your arms aren't strong enough so you slip back down to the bottom. You try again and again, every day, each time getting a little further up. But you keep falling back down. You don't know what to do. You have to get out of this hole, but you're exhausted, so you just lay there for a while and do nothing. Time passes and you feel like trying again. This time you make it so far up that you can see the light shining outside. You push yourself a little harder because you're so excited to almost be out of the hole. You put every ounce of strength into climbing. And then a rock slips out from under your feet and you fall back down again. Since you were falling from such a great height, you break through the floor of the hole and land in the basement.

This deep dark hole that you didn't think could possibly be any deeper has a basement.

You can't deal with this. You give up. You're just destined to be in this hole forever. There's no way out. So you just lie there and do nothing. For a long time. Then one day you decide to start climbing again. You climb and fall, climb and fall, over and over again, just like all those times before. Finally one day you reach the top. You did it. You climb out of the hole and sit on the edge to rest. Now all you have to do is stand up and walk away. You think about trying to stand up, but you're too worn out and too scared that you'll just fall in again. What if you slip as you're trying to stand up? What if you lose your balance? What if the dirt gives way beneath you? What if you stand up and walk away and everything's fine? 

What if...? What if...? What if...? 

There are so many things that could go wrong (or right) that you don't know what to do. So you just sit there. As long as nothing happens, at least you're safe for now.

I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of the hole thinking about trying to stand up. But I'm scared to.

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