Dreams are weird. Some people think they have some sort of meaning. A peek into the depths of our subconscious. Others say they are just dreams and nothing more. But whatever the opinions are, I think we can all agree that dreams can be pretty weird.
I have really weird dreams almost every night. They actually take place fairly early in the morning. They are an unpleasant side effect of the antidepressant that I take. I did a little research and found that most antidepressants can cause vivid dreams and/or nightmares. Great. Just what people with depression need, right? And I have really bad anxiety on top of that, so that's extra helpful, isn't it? :)
This hasn't bothered me too much until recently. A lot of the time the dreams are so strange, they're funny. But lately they have become more vivid and a lot more violent. Really scary things. I'll wake up from them and just have this creepy feeling for the rest of the day. Sometimes I'll even wake up crying.
Last week some of my dreams set off a string of feelings, thoughts, moods, and emotions that I had a really hard time dealing with. The first one started out at my parent's house. I was heading out to the back yard, but my mom said that I shouldn't go out there because there had been three stabbings in the alley behind the house. I closed the door and the house had changed from my parent's to mine. I looked out the window and saw our chicken coop and chickens in the yard and a puddle coming from under the fence. I realized that it was blood and that the stabbings had taken place behind our house. I woke up but I thought it had really happened. I was really scared. I laid in bed for awhile telling myself that it was just a dream but I couldn't shake the feeling I had. I was scared to go outside for a good portion of the morning. I finally realized that it wasn't real and not very likely to actually happen, but it took a long time to get over it.
This really got me thinking about how these dreams are related to my medication. I started to think back to how I felt before I went on it. I didn't want to take anything. I felt like it was so wrong. But I gave in and suffered through some awful side effects just getting used to it. I felt so bad putting myself through all that, even though I ended up feeling a little better. But at what cost?
The next night, I had an even scarier dream. I'm not sure where it was, but there was this big dog wandering around outside. It ran up to this guy and starting attacking him. I ran over to try to help. (I'm ashamed to admit this, but I probably wouldn't have done that in real life. I'm terrified of dogs and I do my best to avoid them.) Anyway, in the dream I was trying to get the dog off this poor guy, but every time I tried to push it away it was always just out of reach. No matter how close I got to it, I couldn't touch it. I went to try to get help, but everyone I asked refused to help me. I went back to try to help the guy again, but he and the dog were gone. There was blood all over the ground, but the guy and the dog weren't there. I just stood there staring at the blood and screaming. Where did they go? Did the dog eat him? Did he manage to get away on his own? Was he okay? I woke up crying.
Those are the worst, most violent dreams I've had that I can remember. I know there have been others, but thankfully I have forgotten them. But I have memories of waking up trying to scream and not being able to. And lots of days going around with this creepy unsettled feeling, like something bad is about to happen at any time.
I also have dreams where I'm back working at the job I hated so much. Not nearly as scary, but disturbing nonetheless. It's been 4 years since I was there, and in the dreams they're so glad I'm back, like I was just gone for an extended period of time. Ugh! These are just really annoying.
It's the really scary ones that worry me though. Where are they coming from? This isn't me. The violence and the blood. I'm terrified of those things. I don't beat people up, but I do in my dreams. What is my brain trying to tell me? Is it just magnifying everything that I'm not? Every fear that I have? Everything that I hate? I don't know, but it scares me to death. And I usually have a hard enough time falling asleep anyway. Now I'm almost scared to because of these dreams.
What is wrong with me? I don't know what to do...
