Hi. I'm back. I know I promised that I would update my blog more often and I haven't forgotten that I promised pictures of the Morrissey show we went to, but sometimes life gets in the way of things you want to do.
If you've read all about me, you know that I have depression. Sometimes I can fight it, but most of the time it wins. I've been really down the last few weeks, and I finally feel like MAYBE just MAYBE I might be coming back out of it.
I've been having trouble just dealing with life lately. I don't totally feel like I want to kill myself, but I don't totally want to live either. It seems like there's nothing to look forward to. Except death. I've really been struggling with this lately. Part of it is because of my grandparents. They're both 94 and have been having some problems lately. It's really depressing and it doesn't help when I'm already depressed. Just seeing them like that makes me so sad. I had so much fun with them growing up. These are my mom's parents. Nothing against my dad's parents; they just weren't as fun. But to see them deteriorate like this is just heartbreaking. And I can't even deal with what's next. The "D" word. I want to go first. But my mom says there's some inheritance involved, and that I should want to be around for that so I can have fun spending it. I don't want money like that. Death money! How depressing! And I don't want to get old. That is just terrifying!
Anyway, thinking about death has me thinking about what I believe in. Our church teaches that we are eternal beings. That our spirits will live forever. That we can be with our families forever after we die. All this is nice, and I've always believed it, but there's this little part of me that wonders what if that isn't really what happens? What if that's just a nice thing to believe in? What if we just die and don't go anywhere? Or what if we all get reincarnated and come back as cows? There's really no way to know for sure because dead people can't tell us what it's like, so this is where we have to have faith that what we believe in is true. I have trouble having faith. I want to know what's going to happen - what to expect. I already live my life in fear of just about everything. I guess it has to be like that until the very end.
That brings me to something else. How can people say they look forward to the future? So many people get so excited about the future and what their lives can be like. I just dread it. I am absolutely terrified of the future. Look at the world. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. What is there to look forward to in that? Really the only thing to look forward to is death, and if we're all going to come back as cows, I don't even know if I can look forward to that. :)
Then we have my weight. I am fat. Not big-round-blob-rolling-down-the-street fat, but still fat for my body size. I could stand to lose about 80 pounds. That's about where my doctor says I should be for my size (I'm 5'9 by the way.) I hate myself. I just feel so worthless. I know people say you should accept yourself the way you are blah blah blah, but I just can't. I don't consider myself to be vain at all, but I just can't stand the way I look. My stomach looks like I'm pregnant (people have even had the audacity to ask me), my arms are flabby, I'm growing extra chins. I can't stand myself. And I don't have the energy to do all the exercise that I know it would take to fix myself. So what do I do? I don't eat too much. I don't think food is the issue here. I know I just need to exercise, but it makes me feel so crappy. I get really sore and can't do much for a few days afterwards. I've been trying to get on the treadmill every day for about the last week, but it's hard to fit it into the day sometimes. I've been doing pretty good at it, but not seeing any results yet just gets me down. I know the results aren't going to be instant, but I need to see something change to keep me motivated and to keep me from getting more depressed. Also, I've noticed that when I really try to lose weight, I gain weight. When I don't give it a second thought, it just falls off. I told my doctor this, and he said I need to try to not get so stressed out about it. The stress can cause some of the weight gain. No wonder I'm such a fat cow!
Where do people get a healthy sense of self esteem from? I need some. Now!
So these are the main things that have been getting me down lately. And then there's just the stress of everyday living. Keeping the house somewhat clean, making food, doing dishes, etc. It all becomes more than I can handle when I feel like this. I try to do what I can, but I know it's not enough. I am so thankful that Husband understands and is willing to help me with things.
I hate feeling like this. I don't understand why I feel like this. There's not any one thing that sets it off. It just happens. And it stays for awhile. And stays. And stays. And then it leaves and I feel "normal" again. For me, normal is just not quite as depressed. When I feel really good, like what "normal" should feel like, it just feels weird. I almost don't know what to do with myself when I feel like that!
So that's what's been going on with me. Thanks for reading.
