Happy New Year? But it's October.
Today is my birthday. It's a new year for me. I've noticed over the last few years that my birthday feels more like New Year's than New Year's does. No, I didn't stay up late last night and throw confetti and drink sparkling grape juice at midnight. Maybe I should have. Maybe I will tonight. But I feel like this is a time to renew myself, to start over fresh. I like making resolutions for my new year. It's more meaningful for me than making them on Dec. 31st/Jan. 1st. Traditional New Year's resolutions are so generic. Birthday New Year's resolutions are more personal; more meaningful.
It's a time to reflect. The past year was a mixture of good and bad. I spent about 3 months of it in the most horrible depression I have felt since about 1997. But so many good things happened too. We got chickens! I love my chickens! They are so fun to watch and to listen to. I've never been much of an animal person. But I had no idea that I could love something so much!
I was also able to connect with so many wonderful people on Facebook. When I first heard about Facebook, I thought it was dumb. But I caved and decided to sign up because that's how much of my family would communicate with each other and I was always missing out. And I am so glad that I did! I found a friend I hadn't heard from in years. I found cousins who I don't hardly ever get to see. And best of all, I am friends with Rob and Keith from Cause and Effect! Rob even wished me Happy Birthday today!!! That means so much to me!
I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people and things in my life. I need to remind myself if this more often. When I get really down and nothing seems right, I really have a hard time seeing the good things that are already there. Maybe that should be one of my resolutions...and I need to lose some weight :)
Thanks for reading!
October 12, 2012
September 17, 2012
It's official
Yes. Just as I've known for years. I now have confirmation from my doctor. I am fat and crazy.
I had to go see him today for my 3 month checkup. I have to see him every 3 months because I have high blood pressure and he likes to check up on it. Mostly I just think he wants my money. Every time I go, he tells me to watch my diet and to exercise. In a very thick Pakistani accent. "Diet and exercise. Eat chicken and fish." Seriously, like every time I go, that's what he tells me. I really need a new doctor!
Today, my weight was up. Duh. I don't need a scale or a doctor to tell me that my weight is up. I can see it. I can tell that I am getting fatter by the second. He told me I should get a personal trainer. Like I can afford that! Visions of the fat-people-abuse I've seen on The Biggest Loser flashed through my mind. I don't think so. I don't need to be treated like that. Like I need any more stress!
Speaking of which, I mentioned to him how I've been really stressed out lately for no real reason.
Flash back to last week...My heart would pound and my stomach would be all tight just out of nowhere. I thought for sure I was having a heart attack. I even looked up the symptoms of a heart attack, which are different for women. I had almost every one of them. But I have all those symptoms all the time anyway! I think I would be dead by now if it was a heart attack! I knew it was just from too much stress. And I'm too scared to know what's wrong with me anyway, so I just stayed home and freaked out.
Anyway, he said I should go see a psychiatrist to help me "sort out my issues." No thank you. My issues don't need sorting. They are just fine as they are - even if they are making me crazy!
So there you have it. Medical evidence that I am indeed fat and crazy.
I'm so sorry for not updating my blog for so long! I've had a serious case of writers block. I will try harder to come up with stuff to write about that won't bore you to death.
Thanks for reading!
I had to go see him today for my 3 month checkup. I have to see him every 3 months because I have high blood pressure and he likes to check up on it. Mostly I just think he wants my money. Every time I go, he tells me to watch my diet and to exercise. In a very thick Pakistani accent. "Diet and exercise. Eat chicken and fish." Seriously, like every time I go, that's what he tells me. I really need a new doctor!
Today, my weight was up. Duh. I don't need a scale or a doctor to tell me that my weight is up. I can see it. I can tell that I am getting fatter by the second. He told me I should get a personal trainer. Like I can afford that! Visions of the fat-people-abuse I've seen on The Biggest Loser flashed through my mind. I don't think so. I don't need to be treated like that. Like I need any more stress!
Speaking of which, I mentioned to him how I've been really stressed out lately for no real reason.
Flash back to last week...My heart would pound and my stomach would be all tight just out of nowhere. I thought for sure I was having a heart attack. I even looked up the symptoms of a heart attack, which are different for women. I had almost every one of them. But I have all those symptoms all the time anyway! I think I would be dead by now if it was a heart attack! I knew it was just from too much stress. And I'm too scared to know what's wrong with me anyway, so I just stayed home and freaked out.
Anyway, he said I should go see a psychiatrist to help me "sort out my issues." No thank you. My issues don't need sorting. They are just fine as they are - even if they are making me crazy!
So there you have it. Medical evidence that I am indeed fat and crazy.
I'm so sorry for not updating my blog for so long! I've had a serious case of writers block. I will try harder to come up with stuff to write about that won't bore you to death.
Thanks for reading!
July 11, 2012
Into the light and out of the darkness...
Depression is a crazy thing. If nothing else, you feel like you're going crazy. I have been SO depressed for about a month and a half. I haven't felt this bad since before I started taking an antidepressant. And I couldn't figure out why I felt like I did. I couldn't think of anything that had set it off. I was just so miserable and I didn't really know why. Life was getting to be more than I could handle and I felt like I just couldn't take any more.
But something happened last night. All of a sudden it was gone. I actually felt it leave. It was like inside my head had been cloudy and stormy, and then the sun came out. I just realized I didn't feel like crying any more. I didn't want to die any more.
It was kind of a weird feeling to suddenly feel alright again after feeling so horrible for such a long time. I'm not bouncing off the walls with glee or anything, but I finally feel OK.
Right now, for now, everything is OK.
But something happened last night. All of a sudden it was gone. I actually felt it leave. It was like inside my head had been cloudy and stormy, and then the sun came out. I just realized I didn't feel like crying any more. I didn't want to die any more.
It was kind of a weird feeling to suddenly feel alright again after feeling so horrible for such a long time. I'm not bouncing off the walls with glee or anything, but I finally feel OK.
Right now, for now, everything is OK.
June 21, 2012
Stressed and depressed
Hi. I'm back. I know I promised that I would update my blog more often and I haven't forgotten that I promised pictures of the Morrissey show we went to, but sometimes life gets in the way of things you want to do.
If you've read all about me, you know that I have depression. Sometimes I can fight it, but most of the time it wins. I've been really down the last few weeks, and I finally feel like MAYBE just MAYBE I might be coming back out of it.
I've been having trouble just dealing with life lately. I don't totally feel like I want to die, but I don't totally want to live either. It seems like there's nothing to look forward to. Except death. I've really been struggling with this lately. Part of it is because of my grandparents. They're both 94 and have been having some problems lately. It's really depressing and it doesn't help when I'm already depressed. Just seeing them like that makes me so sad. I had so much fun with them growing up. These are my mom's parents. Nothing against my dad's parents; they just weren't as fun. But to see them deteriorate like this is just heartbreaking. And I can't even deal with what's next. The "D" word. I want to go first. But my mom says there's some inheritance involved, and that I should want to be around for that so I can have fun spending it. I don't want money like that. Death money! How depressing! And I don't want to get old. That is just terrifying!
Anyway, thinking about death has me thinking about what I believe in. Our church teaches that we are eternal beings. That our spirits will live forever. That we can be with our families forever after we die. All this is nice, and I've always believed it, but there's this little part of me that wonders what if that isn't really what happens? What if that's just a nice thing to believe in? What if we just die and don't go anywhere? Or what if we all get reincarnated and come back as cows? There's really no way to know for sure because dead people can't tell us what it's like, so this is where we have to have faith that what we believe in is true. I have trouble having faith. I want to know what's going to happen - what to expect. I already live my life in fear of just about everything. I guess it has to be like that until the very end.
That brings me to something else. How can people say they look forward to the future? So many people get so excited about the future and what their lives can be like. I just dread it. I am absolutely terrified of the future. Look at the world. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. What is there to look forward to in that? Really the only thing to look forward to is death, and if we're all going to come back as cows, I don't even know if I can look forward to that. :)
Then we have my weight. I am fat. Not big-round-blob-rolling-down-the-street fat, but still fat for my body size. I could stand to lose about 80 pounds. That's about where my doctor says I should be for my size (I'm 5'9 by the way.) I hate myself. I just feel so worthless. I know people say you should accept yourself the way you are blah blah blah, but I just can't. I don't consider myself to be vain at all, but I just can't stand the way I look. My stomach looks like I'm pregnant (people have even had the audacity to ask me), my arms are flabby, I'm growing extra chins. I can't stand myself. And I don't have the energy to do all the exercise that I know it would take to fix myself. So what do I do? I don't eat too much. I don't think food is the issue here. I know I just need to exercise, but it makes me feel so crappy. I get really sore and can't do much for a few days afterwards. I've been trying to get on the treadmill every day for about the last week, but it's hard to fit it into the day sometimes. I've been doing pretty good at it, but not seeing any results yet just gets me down. I know the results aren't going to be instant, but I need to see something change to keep me motivated and to keep me from getting more depressed. Also, I've noticed that when I really try to lose weight, I gain weight. When I don't give it a second thought, it just falls off. I told my doctor this, and he said I need to try to not get so stressed out about it. The stress can cause some of the weight gain. No wonder I'm such a fat cow!
Where do people get a healthy sense of self esteem from? I need some. Now!
So these are the main things that have been getting me down lately. And then there's just the stress of everyday living. Keeping the house somewhat clean, making food, doing dishes, etc. It all becomes more than I can handle when I feel like this. I try to do what I can, but I know it's not enough. I am so thankful that Husband understands and is willing to help me with things.
I hate feeling like this. I don't understand why I feel like this. There's not any one thing that sets it off. It just happens. And it stays for awhile. And stays. And stays. And then it leaves and I feel "normal" again. For me, normal is just not quite as depressed. When I feel really good, like what "normal" should feel like, it just feels weird. I almost don't know what to do with myself when I feel like that!
So that's what's been going on with me. Thanks for reading.
If you've read all about me, you know that I have depression. Sometimes I can fight it, but most of the time it wins. I've been really down the last few weeks, and I finally feel like MAYBE just MAYBE I might be coming back out of it.
I've been having trouble just dealing with life lately. I don't totally feel like I want to die, but I don't totally want to live either. It seems like there's nothing to look forward to. Except death. I've really been struggling with this lately. Part of it is because of my grandparents. They're both 94 and have been having some problems lately. It's really depressing and it doesn't help when I'm already depressed. Just seeing them like that makes me so sad. I had so much fun with them growing up. These are my mom's parents. Nothing against my dad's parents; they just weren't as fun. But to see them deteriorate like this is just heartbreaking. And I can't even deal with what's next. The "D" word. I want to go first. But my mom says there's some inheritance involved, and that I should want to be around for that so I can have fun spending it. I don't want money like that. Death money! How depressing! And I don't want to get old. That is just terrifying!
Anyway, thinking about death has me thinking about what I believe in. Our church teaches that we are eternal beings. That our spirits will live forever. That we can be with our families forever after we die. All this is nice, and I've always believed it, but there's this little part of me that wonders what if that isn't really what happens? What if that's just a nice thing to believe in? What if we just die and don't go anywhere? Or what if we all get reincarnated and come back as cows? There's really no way to know for sure because dead people can't tell us what it's like, so this is where we have to have faith that what we believe in is true. I have trouble having faith. I want to know what's going to happen - what to expect. I already live my life in fear of just about everything. I guess it has to be like that until the very end.
That brings me to something else. How can people say they look forward to the future? So many people get so excited about the future and what their lives can be like. I just dread it. I am absolutely terrified of the future. Look at the world. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. What is there to look forward to in that? Really the only thing to look forward to is death, and if we're all going to come back as cows, I don't even know if I can look forward to that. :)
Then we have my weight. I am fat. Not big-round-blob-rolling-down-the-street fat, but still fat for my body size. I could stand to lose about 80 pounds. That's about where my doctor says I should be for my size (I'm 5'9 by the way.) I hate myself. I just feel so worthless. I know people say you should accept yourself the way you are blah blah blah, but I just can't. I don't consider myself to be vain at all, but I just can't stand the way I look. My stomach looks like I'm pregnant (people have even had the audacity to ask me), my arms are flabby, I'm growing extra chins. I can't stand myself. And I don't have the energy to do all the exercise that I know it would take to fix myself. So what do I do? I don't eat too much. I don't think food is the issue here. I know I just need to exercise, but it makes me feel so crappy. I get really sore and can't do much for a few days afterwards. I've been trying to get on the treadmill every day for about the last week, but it's hard to fit it into the day sometimes. I've been doing pretty good at it, but not seeing any results yet just gets me down. I know the results aren't going to be instant, but I need to see something change to keep me motivated and to keep me from getting more depressed. Also, I've noticed that when I really try to lose weight, I gain weight. When I don't give it a second thought, it just falls off. I told my doctor this, and he said I need to try to not get so stressed out about it. The stress can cause some of the weight gain. No wonder I'm such a fat cow!
Where do people get a healthy sense of self esteem from? I need some. Now!
So these are the main things that have been getting me down lately. And then there's just the stress of everyday living. Keeping the house somewhat clean, making food, doing dishes, etc. It all becomes more than I can handle when I feel like this. I try to do what I can, but I know it's not enough. I am so thankful that Husband understands and is willing to help me with things.
I hate feeling like this. I don't understand why I feel like this. There's not any one thing that sets it off. It just happens. And it stays for awhile. And stays. And stays. And then it leaves and I feel "normal" again. For me, normal is just not quite as depressed. When I feel really good, like what "normal" should feel like, it just feels weird. I almost don't know what to do with myself when I feel like that!
So that's what's been going on with me. Thanks for reading.
May 22, 2012
The Moz is playing on my stereo...
OK. Not really right now, but we will get to see him tomorrow night. Yes, Morrissey is coming to Tucson! We didn't find out until last Saturday night. I couldn't believe it. Husband was reading the newspaper and said "Holy cow! Morrissey is coming here on Wednesday!" How come we didn't know about this? By then, it was probably too late to get tickets, but I thought I'd look anyway. I didn't see anything that said the show was sold out. We had to try to get tickets! We figured this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, since Morrissey is somewhat reclusive and doesn't tour very often. Husband looked it up and there are only 6 US tour dates this year and Tucson is one of them! Tickets were only sold at the venue box office or Ticketmaster. I refuse to buy anything from Ticketmaster (sorry Ticketmaster people - too many extra charges) so I had to wait until yesterday morning to head over to the box office.
The venue is located in downtown Tucson. I don't go downtown very often. Like just about never. But I wanted Morrissey tickets. It's amazing what you will do if you want something really bad! I consulted Google maps to make sure I knew where I was going. I forgot though, that there is major construction going on to install a new "modern streetcar" downtown. I don't know why they call it a modern streetcar - I don't think they'd install an ancient, outdated streetcar. Anyway, I had to take a bit of a detour and got a little lost on the way to the box office. I managed to find it though after a little extra driving around.
The box office opened at 10:30. There were 4 people in line ahead of me. They took FOREVER!!! And it was HOT! Yesterday the high temperature was 104. There were all sorts of heat warnings on TV saying don't go outside, drink lots of water, etc. And where is the line for the box office? Outside. And not much shade. I was seriously worried that I might pass out before I got my tickets.
Finally it was my turn. I knew what I wanted, how much I wanted to spend, and was done in about 2 minutes. I was actually able to get fairly good seats for what we were willing to pay. I figured we'd end up in the back of the very top balcony or something, but we are actually on the main floor about 2/3 back. Not bad. Although this venue is mostly used for ballets and symphonies, and sit-down-and-watch sorts of things, so if people stand up in front of us, we won't be able to see very well. But at least we will be there! And I will definitely try to take pictures. I will post them here, so check back in a few days!
On a side note: I realised the other night that I have a little something I can brag about. I can honestly say that I have performed on the same stage as Morrissey (well, after tomorrow night anyway.) When I was little, I took ballet, and we had to do recitals which were terrifying, but the recitals were at the same venue that the concert will be at. :)
Thanks for reading!
The venue is located in downtown Tucson. I don't go downtown very often. Like just about never. But I wanted Morrissey tickets. It's amazing what you will do if you want something really bad! I consulted Google maps to make sure I knew where I was going. I forgot though, that there is major construction going on to install a new "modern streetcar" downtown. I don't know why they call it a modern streetcar - I don't think they'd install an ancient, outdated streetcar. Anyway, I had to take a bit of a detour and got a little lost on the way to the box office. I managed to find it though after a little extra driving around.
The box office opened at 10:30. There were 4 people in line ahead of me. They took FOREVER!!! And it was HOT! Yesterday the high temperature was 104. There were all sorts of heat warnings on TV saying don't go outside, drink lots of water, etc. And where is the line for the box office? Outside. And not much shade. I was seriously worried that I might pass out before I got my tickets.
Finally it was my turn. I knew what I wanted, how much I wanted to spend, and was done in about 2 minutes. I was actually able to get fairly good seats for what we were willing to pay. I figured we'd end up in the back of the very top balcony or something, but we are actually on the main floor about 2/3 back. Not bad. Although this venue is mostly used for ballets and symphonies, and sit-down-and-watch sorts of things, so if people stand up in front of us, we won't be able to see very well. But at least we will be there! And I will definitely try to take pictures. I will post them here, so check back in a few days!
On a side note: I realised the other night that I have a little something I can brag about. I can honestly say that I have performed on the same stage as Morrissey (well, after tomorrow night anyway.) When I was little, I took ballet, and we had to do recitals which were terrifying, but the recitals were at the same venue that the concert will be at. :)
Thanks for reading!
May 14, 2012
I'm still here
Hi! It's been a while. Sorry for not posting anything for so long. I know there are so many of you out there hanging on my every word. :)
Today is the first day in a long time that I actually feel like doing something. I just haven't felt good lately. I've been really tired and haven't felt like doing much. It's starting to get hot here - that might be it. I used to handle the heat really well, but lately it seems like if it gets above 80, I feel like I'm going to die. If we hadn't bought a house recently, I would pack up and move somewhere cooler!
Not much has gone on since my last post. I think the big thing was we had a yard sale last weekend. Our neighborhood has a good reputation for successful yard sales. And we had a lot of stuff to get rid of. We didn't even have enough time to go through and find it all, so there will definitely be another yard sale in the future. Not until it cools off though.
The yard sale wasn't as successful as we had hoped. But money is better than crap that we don't use/want anymore. :) And we made enough to buy some things we actually need, so that's good. We also got to meet a few of our neighbors, so that was nice too.
I will try really hard to post stuff more often. I promise.
Today is the first day in a long time that I actually feel like doing something. I just haven't felt good lately. I've been really tired and haven't felt like doing much. It's starting to get hot here - that might be it. I used to handle the heat really well, but lately it seems like if it gets above 80, I feel like I'm going to die. If we hadn't bought a house recently, I would pack up and move somewhere cooler!
Not much has gone on since my last post. I think the big thing was we had a yard sale last weekend. Our neighborhood has a good reputation for successful yard sales. And we had a lot of stuff to get rid of. We didn't even have enough time to go through and find it all, so there will definitely be another yard sale in the future. Not until it cools off though.
The yard sale wasn't as successful as we had hoped. But money is better than crap that we don't use/want anymore. :) And we made enough to buy some things we actually need, so that's good. We also got to meet a few of our neighbors, so that was nice too.
I will try really hard to post stuff more often. I promise.
April 24, 2012
Hold the phone
Tonight I was home alone and the phone rang. It was a telemarketer.
"Hello"
"Can I speak to one of your parents?"
"Um...they don't live here"
"Oh. I'm so sorry ma'am, you uh sounded uh like a uh child"
Thanks. It's OK to look younger than you are, but to be mistaken for a kid on the phone is just insulting! This isn't the first time this has happened either.
The other thing that bugs me about this is...Do not, under any circumstances, call me ma'am!!! Ma'am is for old ladies. First you think I'm a child, and then you go and call me ma'am??!!?? Ugh!
AND... Why on earth are you calling me anyway? Our number is unlisted and unpublished, which we pay a whopping 90 cents a month for. (Seriously, why don't keyboards have a "cents" symbol on them?) Anyway, back to our phone number. We are also on the National Do Not Call registry. This means that technically, telemarketers and the like are not allowed to bother us! I am always too unnerved by these calls to ever think to call them out on that, but they shouldn't have our number to begin with!
This is why I love email so much.
And don't worry all you telemarketers out there. I was civil and politely got rid of him. I didn't go off on the guy until after I hung up.
Thanks for reading!
"Hello"
"Can I speak to one of your parents?"
"Um...they don't live here"
"Oh. I'm so sorry ma'am, you uh sounded uh like a uh child"
Thanks. It's OK to look younger than you are, but to be mistaken for a kid on the phone is just insulting! This isn't the first time this has happened either.
The other thing that bugs me about this is...Do not, under any circumstances, call me ma'am!!! Ma'am is for old ladies. First you think I'm a child, and then you go and call me ma'am??!!?? Ugh!
AND... Why on earth are you calling me anyway? Our number is unlisted and unpublished, which we pay a whopping 90 cents a month for. (Seriously, why don't keyboards have a "cents" symbol on them?) Anyway, back to our phone number. We are also on the National Do Not Call registry. This means that technically, telemarketers and the like are not allowed to bother us! I am always too unnerved by these calls to ever think to call them out on that, but they shouldn't have our number to begin with!
This is why I love email so much.
And don't worry all you telemarketers out there. I was civil and politely got rid of him. I didn't go off on the guy until after I hung up.
Thanks for reading!
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