Hi. Anyone still there?
I can't believe it's been four years since I posted here. How did that happen??? I was going to get both of you all caught up on my goings on for the past four years, four years ago. Ugh. Time is going by too fast and it's really scaring me.
I'll try to make this quick so we can all finally move on, because I need to get rid of it. My mental health hasn't been great for a long time, and I think this could help me, to just get everything out.
What's been going on with me part 2: 2019-now.
So when we left off, I had started seeing a psychiatrist, got my meds figured out (kind of,) and was feeling a little better overall.
Then the unimaginable happened.
It was November 2019. For years, I've wanted to go see a taping of The Price is Right. I grew up watching it with my grandparents, and I was rather good at playing the various games they have on the show. They were going to be taping on November 6th, so we got tickets and found out what to do. Husband had vacation time he needed to use up before the end of the year, so we decided to make it a bigger trip and went to San Diego for a few days first. Then we would head to LA in time for the taping.
We had a great time in San Diego, but the whole time I just had this weird feeling. Like I wasn't fully enjoying myself or relaxing. I just figured it was because I was nervous about Price is Right. What if I got to be on the show? What if I won? That would be really cool, but I was worried about how I'd look on TV. I'm too fat, I'm a giant dork, etc.
We headed out of San Diego the afternoon of November 5th. It took forever to get to LA. By the time we got there it was dark. It turned out that the hotel I got for us wasn't in a great part of town, so that wasn't great. The room was tiny and cramped. But we were going to go see The Price is Right in the morning, so it was okay, right? Wrong. It could not have been any further from okay.
I kind of woke up in the early morning, saw what time it was, and tried to go back to sleep. But I kept hearing this noise. I couldn't figure out what it was, and it was keeping me awake. It was about 6:00 or so - I don't really remember, but it was really early. As I lay there, I realized the sound I was hearing was phone vibrating. I woke Husband up and told him to check his phone. Mine was on silent for the night. He had several missed calls from his family. I looked at my phone and had several missed calls from his family too. He called his dad or his sister. I don't remember. He was still half asleep, so I'm not sure it completely registered. Something had happened to his mom. She was in the hospital and things weren't looking good. He was kind of worried, but figured she'd be okay. We sat on the bed and prayed for her and tried to go back to sleep. We didn't need to be at the TV studio until afternoon, so we didn't have to rush. I was worrying and trying to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. I finally was starting to drift off...
His phone rang. I don't remember what he said to whoever called. But he woke me up and told me that she was gone.
I can't even describe what I felt. I think I blocked it out. I just remember saying that we needed to go home. Husband actually felt bad that I wasn't going to be able to see Price is Right. The tickets were free. We weren't losing anything. I went down to the hotel front desk and told them we needed to cancel the rest of our stay because of what happened. They didn't charge us for checking out early. We packed everything up, had breakfast, and left. It's all so hazy now. Maybe that's good. I think I probably was in shock. I just remember thinking "how could this happen?" and crying most of the way home. We traded off driving, called and texted family (both sides) to let them know where we were, and got back into town at about 9:00pm. We went straight to Husband's dad's house and visited with him for a while. We found out more about what had happened. I'll spare the details here, but it was a pulmonary embolism. She'd had them before when she'd had surgery, but this one came out of nowhere. So new health fear unlocked for me and my anxiety.
Everything was such a blur after that. I just remember crying a lot. For months. Somehow life went on. But going through that forever changed me. My circle of people was getting smaller. All of the grandparents were gone, and now death was creeping into the parents level. Since then, I have this horrible fear of losing everyone close to me and just being alone. I've always had that fear, but it was pushed way in the back of my mind. Now it's right there in the front. It's really hard to deal with. My anxiety has been so much worse since.
And then COVID hit. Another new health fear unlocked for the ol' Anxiety. But even though I was so afraid of getting sick (I still am,) I thrived during lockdown. Introvert Girl not being able to go out anywhere and stay away from people and just stay home? It was great!
Things got a little better for a while. We've had a few really fun vacations since the really bad one. We were able to add a room onto our house. I thought maybe everything would be okay finally.
Then Husband lost his job. He worked there for 28 years. The client he and his team worked for pulled out and left him and a bunch of others without a job. The company he worked for was still there, but they didn't have any other openings available. Thankfully, Husband got a 7 month severance package. One week for every year he was there. This happened the end of October 2025, so I decided he could just take a break for the holidays, then get to work looking for work. He started looking in January of this year, and just about a month ago got hired in an entry-level call center position. His previous job was manager for another call center. But entry-level was all he could get. And the pay is pathetic. But I guess I should be grateful that he was able to find something, but he's still looking for something better. By the way, if any of you are wondering why I don't work, I really don't think I could handle it now with my mental issues. My psychiatrist even thought I could get disability because my anxiety is so bad, but I just don't really feel right about that. It feels a little dishonest to me. So I'm here taking care of all the stuff around the house. And trying to take care of myself, too. I'm just coming off a huge depression. I think it was the whole job situation. And getting alone time again now that Husband is back at work. That makes me feel guilty, but I really need that alone time for my sanity.
There. I think that covers the big stuff that's been going on with me. Oh, and during all of this I somehow managed to turn 50. What? I'm not old enough to be 50. So there's that. Anyway... My life is still a mess, I'm still a mess, but I'm feeling a little better and slowly getting there. Wherever "there" is.
Stay tuned. Something HUGE is coming soon!
