Something new

So here's something good that I'm very excited about. Yay! A happy post for a change. I know. I've been pretty depressing lately. Sorry for that.

Anyway...Rob from Cause and Effect has been working on a solo project and has a new album coming out soon! I cannot wait! The album is called "An Elegant Exit" and will be released under the name WHITEWAITS. He's started a Kickstarter campaign to raise some money to help him do some extra things with the release (remixes, videos, tour, etc.) Watch his video below. Pledge some money. Help him out. Pass this on. I can guarantee you will not be disappointed. The album is going to be amazing!

Normal?

What exactly is normal anyway? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, hoping that my life will soon return to "normal." So many things have happened lately to turn my life upside down, I wonder if anything will ever be normal again. I don't even want to get into all the details of what's happened - it's too depressing. It seems like this whole year has just been one bad thing after another, without enough time to recover from the previous bad thing before the next bad thing happens. I'm just hoping that things will settle down, that the things that happen from here on out won't be so bad. I feel like I'm picking up the pieces of what's left of my crumbling life. It seems like whenever I start to think that everything is going to be okay again, something else happens to make me realize that things will probably never really be okay. And it seems like the bad things that are happening just keep getting worse and worse. I'm scared. It's like I live in constant fear of what the next bad thing will be. Is that normal? I don't think so, but it's becoming my normal. That isn't good.

Some things are starting to happen to make me think that things are starting to get better. I actually have a few really good, exciting things to look forward to (more on that later.) But it seems like whenever I look forward to something, I'm only met with disappointment. So I have to keep reminding myself not to get too excited about things. That's pretty sad, isn't it? And definitely not normal.

So what can I do? How can I not live in fear all the time? How can I let myself get excited about things without expecting disappointment? I don't know how to do that. That's not normal either.

So what is normal? I'll let you know when I find out.

Grout doubt

Yes, the bathroom remodel is still going on. I know you were all wondering about that. All, what, 2 of you that read my blog. 

Part of what's taking so long is that Handyman only comes over to work on it when he feels like it or I remind him. The other part is all my fault. I just haven't felt like dealing with it. Depression can do that. I want to get it done, but I don't feel like doing what it takes to get it done. And frankly I'm pretty nervous about doing what needs to be done.

From the beginning I've said that I will do the tile around the tub, and the floor tile, by myself. Peel and stick floor tile can't be all that hard, and I've seen wall tile put up on TV shows. It always seemed like fun to try. But now when it comes down to actually doing it I'm scared to death!

What if I do it wrong? What if I get started and realize that I'm in way too deep and can't finish it? What if 3 months from now the tiles start falling off? All these things (dumb as they are) are keeping me from just plowing in and getting it done. Ugh! I know that if I just start doing it, it will be okay. Handyman said that he can always help me if I need it, my mom is willing to help me, there are bazillions of videos on YouTube that show how to do it. I just need the courage to actually do something. Then I will have a lovely new bathroom. Yay!

But where do I get courage from? I'm not sure. The desire to have the bathroom done is almost stronger than my need for courage. I just need to feel like I can do it. I haven't felt very good for quite awhile, but I'm starting to feel a little better, so maybe I'll be able to start on it soon. Maybe this weekend even...

Wish me luck.

In my dreams

Dreams are weird. Some people think they have some sort of meaning. A peek into the depths of our subconscious. Others say they are just dreams and nothing more. But whatever the opinions are, I think we can all agree that dreams can be pretty weird.

I have really weird dreams almost every night. They actually take place fairly early in the morning. They are an unpleasant side effect of the antidepressant that I take. I did a little research and found that most antidepressants can cause vivid dreams and/or nightmares. Great. Just what people with depression need, right? And I have really bad anxiety on top of that, so that's extra helpful, isn't it? :)

This hasn't bothered me too much until recently. A lot of the time the dreams are so strange, they're funny. But lately they have become more vivid and a lot more violent. Really scary things. I'll wake up from them and just have this creepy feeling for the rest of the day. Sometimes I'll even wake up crying.

Last week some of my dreams set off a string of feelings, thoughts, moods, and emotions that I had a really hard time dealing with. The first one started out at my parent's house. I was heading out to the back yard, but my mom said that I shouldn't go out there because there had been three stabbings in the alley behind the house. I closed the door and the house had changed from my parent's to mine. I looked out the window and saw our chicken coop and chickens in the yard and a puddle coming from under the fence. I realized that it was blood and that the stabbings had taken place behind our house. I woke up but I thought it had really happened. I was really scared. I laid in bed for awhile telling myself that it was just a dream but I couldn't shake the feeling I had. I was scared to go outside for a good portion of the morning. I finally realized that it wasn't real and not very likely to actually happen, but it took a long time to get over it.

This really got me thinking about how these dreams are related to my medication. I started to think back to how I felt before I went on it. I didn't want to take anything. I felt like it was so wrong. But I gave in and suffered through some awful side effects just getting used to it. I felt so bad putting myself through all that, even though I ended up feeling a little better. But at what cost?

The next night, I had an even scarier dream. I'm not sure where it was, but there was this big dog wandering around outside. It ran up to this guy and starting attacking him. I ran over to try to help. (I'm ashamed to admit this, but I probably wouldn't have done that in real life. I'm terrified of dogs and I do my best to avoid them.) Anyway, in the dream I was trying to get the dog off this poor guy, but every time I tried to push it away it was always just out of reach. No matter how close I got to it, I couldn't touch it. I went to try to get help, but everyone I asked refused to help me. I went back to try to help the guy again, but he and the dog were gone. There was blood all over the ground, but the guy and the dog weren't there. I just stood there staring at the blood and screaming. Where did they go? Did the dog eat him? Did he manage to get away on his own? Was he okay? I woke up crying.

Those are the worst, most violent dreams I've had that I can remember. I know there have been others, but thankfully I have forgotten them. But I have memories of waking up trying to scream and not being able to. And lots of days going around with this creepy unsettled feeling, like something bad is about to happen at any time.

I also have dreams where I'm back working at the job I hated so much. Not nearly as scary, but disturbing nonetheless. It's been 4 years since I was there, and in the dreams they're so glad I'm back, like I was just gone for an extended period of time. Ugh! These are just really annoying.

It's the really scary ones that worry me though. Where are they coming from? This isn't me. The violence and the blood. I'm terrified of those things. I don't beat people up, but I do in my dreams. What is my brain trying to tell me? Is it just magnifying everything that I'm not? Every fear that I have? Everything that I hate? I don't know, but it scares me to death. And I usually have a hard enough time falling asleep anyway. Now I'm almost scared to because of these dreams.

What is wrong with me? I don't know what to do...

Inside out

I feel like my entire life has been turned inside out, upside down, and backwards. Torn apart. It seems like everything is changing all at once.

About three weeks ago our bathroom remodel started. The stuff that was in that bathroom had to be put somewhere. There's not a "somewhere" to put it, so it's strewn all over the house. Baskets and bins of bathroom stuff everywhere. I did manage to go through it and get rid of a bunch of stuff, but it's still taking up a lot of space and is in the way. We also had the new bathroom sink delivered and it is currently residing on the living room floor. The house smells like plaster dust and Liquid Nails. I've been buying cabinets, tile, paint, faucets, and other bathroom parts. I get to paint the bathroom, put the tile around the tub, and tile the floor. I'm actually kind of excited about doing these things, but so overwhelmed by the thought of doing them. I have to start painting tomorrow.

At the same time the bathroom remodel started a few weeks ago, I noticed that one of our chickens, Sophie, was acting sluggish. This went on for a couple of days, until one day I noticed she was on the floor of the coop unable to stand up. This broke my heart. I picked her up and held her and petted her while bawling my eyes out. I just kind of had this feeling that she wasn't going to make it. I put her in a box with some food and water, and brought her into the house. She just laid there with her eyes closed. I could see that she was still breathing, so she wasn't gone yet. I looked on the Internet for ideas of things to try to help her. I found a few ideas, so I went out for a while to get some things I needed. When Husband got home from work we tried some of the things I had found. Nothing seemed to work. We held Sophie for a while and decided the best thing to do was to bring her back inside and keep her comfortable. As we were getting things ready, we noticed she was moving around a bit. She kind of shuddered and jerked around for a couple seconds. Then she was gone. I was inconsolable. I hadn't lost a pet before that had meant so much to me. I had a parakeet when I was little. He was terrified of me. And when he died, my parents got the body and buried it before I could see it. With Sophie, I saw her die. I've never seen anyone or anything die in front of me. She was a beautiful chicken. She had gorgeous black and white feathers, and laid beautiful eggs. And to see her lifeless body there in front of me was just more than I could handle. Husband was so sweet through this whole ordeal. He found a box to put her in and dug a hole in the back yard. We had a little chicken funeral and buried her. I cried for days afterward.

Henrietta, our other chicken, was clearly upset at the loss of her friend. So two weeks ago we went to the feed store and bought two new chickens. One is a white leghorn we named Phyllis, and the other is a brown Ameraucana we call Gertrude. We were supposed to keep them quarantined for a week before putting them in with Henrietta. We bought a dog cage to keep them in and put them outside the chicken run where Henrietta could see and "talk" to them. After the week was up, we put them in the run. This was last Saturday. Everything seemed fine when they were separate, but when we put them together....turmoil in the chicken coop! Henrietta has been pecking and pulling feathers out of Gertrude! Phyllis is just plain scared of everything and everyone. We like to let them out into the yard once in a while, but the new girls won't come back to the coop when it's time to "go home". We've been chasing chickens all over the yard! And now Gertrude just stays up on the roost inside the coop all day and won't come down.

Then, to make things even worse, I got asked to help out with the teenage girls at church. I think I'm supposed to kind of mentor them and be a friend to them if they need someone to talk to. I haven't found out exactly what I'm supposed to do yet. This scares the crap out of me!!! I don't know how to help teenage girls! I need help myself! And they want me to go to their weekly activity every Wednesday night. When I was a teenager I hated going. I was miserable. I was the only girl my age, I was a nerd who didn't have any friends, and the activities they did were always things I hated (volleyball, stupid group games, etc.) I don't want to do this, but we're supposed to help out where we are asked, so I guess I'll give it a try. But this is just more stress, and more stress is the last thing I need right now.

Keep in mind the bathroom remodel is still going on during all of this. I have to get up extra early so I can open the gate for Handyman to get into the yard. I'm soooo stressed out that I can't sleep, my allergies are making me feel like crap, and my depression is trying to come back full force (all of this stuff going on isn't helping any!) My sweet chicken died, my new chickens aren't getting along, my house is torn up. I'm going insane.

So what happened tonight? I find out that Cause and Effect are going to be taking a little break from each other to work on solo projects. I'm really torn on this one. On the one hand, I'm super excited to find out what they're up to and to see what they can do by themselves. On the other hand, they are putting off releasing Artificial Construct Part 3, which means they really might not ever get around to releasing it or getting back together. I was so counting on getting to see them this year and maybe finally getting to meet them (especially Rob!) Now that might never happen. I don't know. I don't have all the details yet, so I shouldn't be too quick to make assumptions. But I know how they are. They like to put things off. Sometimes for years at a time. Nobody's getting any younger here. Maybe everything will be OK. Maybe they will tour individually and I'll still get to meet Rob. It's just that that was one of the few things that was keeping me going. They would release AC3 and go on tour. They were definitely going to play in Phoenix. They might have even been able to come here. My lifelong dream of meeting them would finally come true. And now that's all gone. My last hope of something to look forward to. My heart is broken.

I've learned that I get too excited about things, only to find disappointment. When will I learn? Probably never. I just need things to look forward to to keep myself going, a reason to get out of bed, a reason to not kill myself today. I don't have that right now. I don't know what to do.

Miss you, Sophie <3

Don't get your panties all in a bunch

Today we started remodeling one of our bathrooms. My parents gave us a little money for Christmas, so we are able to do it.

I kind of have mixed feelings about it. I loved the colors in the bathroom (or lack thereof.) It was black and white. The tub walls were tiled in white with a black border, and the countertop was tiled as well. The black tiles had a beautiful iridescent patina on them, since they were about 60 years old. So they will be missed. What won't be missed is the tub. It was old, refinished cast iron. The tub itself was great. It was a nice size, and deep. The problem was that it was peeling. Whoever refinished it didn't do it right, so the paint didn't stick. So I feel bad about getting rid of an otherwise nice tub. But since I couldn't really use it unless I wanted peely tub paint poking my bum, it had to go.

And go it did...

Our handyman friend is doing the really hard stuff for us. He and his friend came this morning to start the demolition. After chiseling the tile from the walls, they started in on the tub. With a sledgehammer. Being cast iron, the tub couldn't just be carried out of the house. So they had to break it into several more manageable pieces. After quite a beating, the poor tub finally gave in and broke in two. Then they broke those pieces in two.

After the remains of the tub were taken out and the mess cleaned up, some discoveries were made. But first, a little back story. Our house was built in the 1950's. The people we bought it from "fixed it up" because it had been trashed by renters that had lived in it previously. "Fixed up" was really just a nice way of saying patching things together so they will last just long enough for the house to pass inspection and us to move in before starting to fall apart. We have noticed so many shortcuts that were taken, and so many odd things that I am no longer surprised when things go wrong. We've also found a lot of strange things...like beer cans in the walls, an air mattress in the attic, probably at least a dollar in pennies in the back yard. I'm not kidding. We joke about how there's probably a car buried in the back yard. Or a body. I honestly wouldn't be surprised. I actually found a car key in the yard...

Which brings me to today's discoveries. In the wall behind the tub. Yes. In the wall behind the tub. First, a toy turtle. Then two combs and a measuring spoon. And then...


Wait for it...


Panties. Yes, you read that right. Panties. Pink lacy panties in the wall behind the tub. Was I surprised? No, not at all. Just one more weird thing we found in our house. How they got there, we'll never know. We probably don't want to know. Maybe they belong to the body that's buried in the back yard. :)

Don't you love how the rays of sunlight frame this glorious find?

New year, new bathroom

Happy New Year everyone. I know it's two weeks late, but I am still suffering from a horrible case of writers block.

The year started out quite eventful. Instead of our usual spending New Years Eve at home watching the ball drop, we chaperoned a teenage dance party. Our church youth group had a NYE party/dance for hundreds of teens with potentially raging hormones. Our job was to keep them from running amok. It was actually quite fun. Husband and I went to events like these when we were growing up, and later in college, and we always had a great time. Mostly I just like to dance and hear great music!

In other news, my parents have given us some money to help us remodel one of our two bathrooms! Yay! We need a new tub like you wouldn't believe! The previous owners had the old cast iron tub refinished. Basically this is painting the tub to hide whatever crap may be underneath. About three baths after we moved in, the tub started peeling! The paint is peeling off. In huge chunks. It's like it wasn't actually even attached to the surface of the tub. Ugh! So we are getting a new tub, new plumbing fixtures, new surround tile, new sink and vanity, and new floor tile. Pretty much gutting everything except the toilet. I am excited beyond words! Our friend/handyman will be doing the work, and he always does a great job. He's pretty much the only person I would trust to do it right. I'll try to post pictures of the progress. He might start as soon as next week!

I've also been feeling super crafty lately. I just haven't had time to justify indulging in my crafty urges. Until today. Well, I made time. I just recently discovered Mod Podge. Apparently it's been around for, like forever. I Mod Podged some scrapbook paper to the light switch cover in the bathroom that will soon be remodeled. Hey, I can't do the big things like replace the tub, but I can make cute little decorative enhancements. It was so fun and super easy to do, and it looks super cute! I'm actually happy!